A Right and A Wrong Way To Heal After The Breakup
Updated: May 19, 2020
In case you missed it, Tamar Braxton was on the Wendy Williams show recently and she let the world in on quite a bit during the interview. Many were shocked when Tamar revealed that she had been sexually molested as a child from both, her maternal and paternal sides of the family. That was indeed a shocker, but she also talked about something else that I found interesting. Wendy asked Tamar about the new man in her life and honey, Tamar praised him to no end.
Wendy started by asking where the two met. “ I met him at a friend’s birthday party, woo hallelujah, he is...oh thank ya God. He is so fine I can’t take it sometimes..it’s like a whole snack a lunchable.” Wendy then asked if he was from L.A. or Atlanta. “No, he lives in LA, he’s originally from Nigeria but um, he lived here for a while...he went to Harvard Business School. He’s smart, he’s so smart, I’m so proud of him and amazing... he’s so amazing he’s so kind and he’s saved!!!! And ya know.” Wendy asked how long has she actually been with him and Tamar said, “about three months but it feels like forever.” When asked if she was in love, Tamar said “yes, very much so” Tamar also said that she would like to get married again and have some beautiful African children.
Chile, Tamar gloated and played this new man up as if he was the best thing since government cheese. I understand the feeling of new love and how the honeymoon phase will have you feeling all kinds of fabulous and sunshine. Although I’ve never been married, I do believe in life after divorce; however, I do not believe in new love starting before a divorce is finalized. In my humble opinion, Tamar is assuming that if everyone sees her in a new relationship, it will prove that she has moved on and she couldn't be happier, despite the divorce. She is determined to prove to everyone, especially her soon to be ex husband, that she is unbothered by the failed marriage. We all crave companionship, but time after a breakup or divorce should be taken. The purpose is to allow a healthy healing to take place. A friend and I were having this same conversation and he said he believes that getting into a new relationship actually helps heal from a breakup. He suggested that a new relationship keeps you busy and keeps you from thinking about your ex. Although I find this to be an interesting point of view, I thoroughly disagree. I think once a breakup or a divorce happens, a person should take some time off to heal. It is necessary to take time to deal with the departure, and to deal with themselves. It is important to take time and reflect on the relationship and figure out what went wrong and what part you (yes you) played in it. It never hurts to acknowledge that you could have done things differently. After a divorce or breakup, people often think they need to hurry and get into a new relationship because they equate time spent in the state of singleness to the state of loneliness, unhappiness, or depression. Jumping into something new only allows a you to suppress any unresolved issues you might have within yourself, causing you to carry over baggage into the new relationship.
Learning how to be alone after a breakup or divorce is the part nobody cares to deal with because at that point, you have to face yourself, all by yourself. Sometimes, peeling off our own layers can be a hard and uncomfortable process. The fact that it can put us in a place of discomfort, is actually the very reason it is important to allow the process to take place. There is a great chance that thing called growth will have the opportunity to make its appearance during this time.
Dealing with divorce or a breakup is like dealing with a death, so just like a death, there is a mourning process. In fact, Dr.Elisabeth Kubler-Ross laid out the five stages of loss that one must go through in her 1996 book, “On Death and Dying.” Whether it was two months or twenty years, she suggests these five stages when dealing with a loss.
Denial and Isolation - Sometimes a breakup catches us by surprise. We didn’t notice the red flags (or maybe there weren’t any). The moment it happens, and we are done with the relationship, we begin to deny that it happened. We return time and time again to the scenarios. It is then that we isolate from the world. Denial and isolation are defense mechanisms dealing with the shock
Anger - This stage usually comes from vulnerability. We begin to blame the other person for doing this to us. We question everything in the relationship. We get angry for not taking action sooner. Anger can be explosive. It even escalates and magnifies with guilt and shame.
Bargaining - This is the middle point to the stages of loss. We begin to rethink any decisions and even feel hopeful about a possible rekindling with our loved one. We begin to bargain with everything, including spiritual beliefs, friends, and our egos
Depression - This is the stage we begin to worry about what others think, how you will be talked about in social circles, and start regretting ever falling in love. This stage can linger for a long while and it’s important to get help. Depression can mask itself into feelings of hopelessness and even desperation.
Acceptance - Acceptance is where we finally acknowledge the loss. And, it’s in this stage that you can let go of all resentments, regrets, and start healing.
Breakups hurt, despite how some people try not to acknowledge their hurt. Remember, If your hurt is not addressed and dealt with in a proper and healthy manner, you only allow others to be a target and a casualty of your hurt. In other words, hurt people, hurt people.